Behind Cooper’s Old Time Pit Bar-B-Que stand a pair of charred, metal silos. Several times a day, a worker deposits a four-foot-high stack of mesquite logs into one of the drums, then blasts it with a gas torch, sending flames 10 feet into the air. This is where the sacred art of barbecue begins.

I’ve come to Cooper’s to learn the secrets behind one of the great mysteries of American cuisine, in a world where the tricks of the trade are closely guarded. In the hands of an expert pit master, tough, chewy brisket becomes succulent and flavorful; dry, mild pork, moist and savory. My question is: How? To find out I’ve persuaded the proprietors at Cooper’s to make me their first-ever barbecue apprentice.

It took a little cajoling. Though Cooper’s is basically a hut in the middle of nowhere—about 75 miles northwest of Austin in the tiny city of Llano, Texas (population: 3,325; stoplights: four)—it is a legendary meat mecca, routinely hailed as one of the country’s best barbecue joints. Founded in 1953, it’s become a destination stop across the South; the restaurant keeps a van at the local airstrip to shuttle in 50 private planeloads of meat-seekers each week. It’s even President Bush’s favorite joint.

Naturally, the men of Cooper’s aren’t too eager to expose their time-honored methodology to imitators and impostors. But once I convinced them I wasn’t a spy sent by a competitor, they agreed to grant me a four-day crash course in manning their hallowed pits. Standing before the silos, the blast of heat instantly baking my flesh, I began to wonder if learning about barbecue would be worth losing my face.

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Nobody wants to eat with you. It may be that you're offensive, were a 9/11 mastermind, or simply dine like a Cloverfield monster, but DiGiorno isn't here to judge; they're here to lab-engineer the perfect amount of food for the recluse on the go to nowhere. We sampled DiGiorno's frozen fare, which they generously delivered to our offices in a special dry-ice cooler. It's delivery and it's DiGiorno.

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We know, that's a lot of numbers and letters to throw at you, so let's simplify:  1080p DLP HDTVs stands for "Afforable Big Ass TVs that Will Rock Your Blu-Ray."

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Hummer H3T
Care more about good times than gas prices? Throw your gear in the bed of the H3T and hit the beach. Though Hummer’s first pickup still has the brutish styling of its battle-ready Humvee cousins, it’s actually smaller than a full size pickup. Hummer engineers can’t bend time and space, so that means the bed is a relatively modest five feet long. But still, that’s enough room for your surfboard, sand castle molds, and water wings for all your closest friends.

SPEC CHECK
Price:         $32,000 (est.)
Engine:      3.7-liter, 242 hp I-5
Torque:      242 lb.-ft.
0–60 mph:  Not available
Top speed: 99 mph

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Price: $700

Not everyone has room for speakers the size of mini-fridges strewn about their living rooms, so Sony took their high quality surround sound system and shrunk the satelite speakers down to about the size of a golf ball (no, that's not a huge strawberry in the picture). Even with it's miniscule speakers, it still manages 450 watts of power and true 5.1 performance. The subwoofer is the size of a normal sub-woofer, but that means it can double as a handy coffee table. The receiver has three HDMI ports, so it'll play nice with all of your high-def boxes and the Dialogue Audio Enhancer will be a welcomed addition if you plan on watching movies where the actors actually talk to one another. Surround sound systems are notorious for letting explosions and other noise overshadow dialogue. Follow the link for another picture without any produce.

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