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According to our mole embedded deep within the Brewers clubhouse, dugout fisticuffs between Milwaukee's Prince Fielder and Manny Parra began when the 275-pound Fielder said, “Manny, old chap, I have only the deepest admiration for your contributions to the team, but I do wish you’d throw a strike occasionally.” Parra, a lithe 6’3” 200- pounder, responded, “You look like a meatloaf with arms. Go snack on some kelp, you vegan churl.” After dabbing a stray tear and huddling with Brewers utilityman/emotional lynchpin Bill Hall, Fielder pounced on Parra.
And thus we were treated to a full day of “they're losing it!” headlines… just as we’ll be treated to similar reports when these five intrasquad tensions bubble over into slappy semi-violence.
Jason Varitek and Sean Casey, Boston Red Sox
Varitek is the heart-of-the-franchise guy who was born wearing eye black. Casey is the smiley, beefy dude whose genial disposition has earned him the nickname “the Mayor.” Sooner or later, Varitek will snap during one of Casey’s fraternizations with the enemy at first base—say, when he attempts to get New York–based enemy operatives to participate in his “Doughnuts for Darfur” charity bake-a-thon. Terse conversations will ensue.
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Maybe it’s the summer heat, or maybe they figure that we’re all too revved up about fantasy football to concern ourselves with baseball silliness. But man, this was the dumbest week for baseball dummies in some dumb time. Here are your most flagrant offenders.
 Melky Cabrera, New York Yankees
There's plenty to dislike about Yankees fans: the sense of entitlement, the pink replica caps and jerseys, the stubborn refusal to admit that A-Rod is 32 times the player Derek Jeter is, etc. But one of the truly great Yankee Stadium traditions is the first-inning “roll call": fans in Section 39 chant each starter’s name, followed by a quick wave from said starter. On Tuesday night, Melky Cabrera took this tradition a bit too seriously, responding to the fans during a play and promptly kicking the ball for an error. IDJIT.
 Jim Bowden, Washington Nationals
As the July 31 trade deadline approached, it seemed there would be a mere three or four legit relievers on the market: Colorado’s Brian Fuentes (zesty!), Pittsburgh’s Damaso Marte (mysterious!), Atlanta’s Will Ohman (oh-some!), and Washington’s Jon Rauch (tall!). Bowden, who controlled the destiny of the latter, didn’t see it this way. He struck way early, sending Rauch, his top-20-reliever bona fides, and his cheapie-pants contract to Arizona for minor-leaguer Emilio Bonifacio, who ain’t especially young (23) or proficient at any one thing (he’s fast, yet has been thrown out on eight of his 25 steal attempts... in triple-friggin’-A). Why can’t we lure guys like Bowden into our big-money rotisserie leagues? Every cellar needs a dweller. MORON.
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Nobody—not the jihadists, not Christie Brinkley—hates as hard and as cold as a scorned fantasy-sports owner. These are the much-touted guys who oughta watch their backs after the disappointing first halves they've had this season.
C: Jason Varitek, Boston Red Sox
Red Sox fans love this fella almost as much as they love bandwagon-hopping and pink replica baseball caps. They’ve let this adoration blind them to the obvious: that Varitek, the stoic, square-headed champion of Yankee-extermination, is losing more runs with his bat than he’s saving with his grunty guidance of the club’s pitching staff.
Guys who have been better: Kurt Suzuki, Chris Iannetta
 1B: Paul Konerko, Chicago White Sox
One might liken the speed of his decline to the death of a cell phone battery once the “warning” light starts blinking: One minute he was there, and the next he wasn’t.
Guys who have been better: Carlos Delgado, Kevin Millar
 2B: Robinson Cano, New York Yankees
They give awards in baseball for everything: Gold Gloves to players ([cough] Jim Edmonds! [cough]) who make routine plays look superheroic, Cy Youngs to pitchers whose gaudy win totals impress ancient sportswriters with thickets of ear hair, etc. Why not a formal honorarium for Cano and his compadres—Eric Gagne, Miguel Cabrera, Andruw Jones—who haven’t deigned to give a shit in 2008? Maybe name the award after a legendary hack like Dave Kingman?
Guys who have been better: , Ray Durham
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We take a final look at two stadiums (one revered, one... not so much) before they slide into oblivion.
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Yankees | 
Mets | | Opening day |
April 18, 1923 (Yankees 4, Red Sox 1)
| April 17, 1964 (Pirates 4, Mets 3) | | W-L THROUGH 2007 |
4,085-2,397 (.630)
| 1,811-1,680 (.519) | | GREATEST PLAYERS |
Babe, Lou, Joe, and Mickey
| John, Paul, George, and Ringo | | Best Performance by a Murderer |
In 1980 Dave Winfield signs the then-biggest contract in baseball
history ($23 million over 10 years), goes on to kill a sea gull with a
baseball in Toronto.
| In 1973 Buffalo Bill O. J. Simpson completes the NFL’s first
2,000-yard season here, goes on to kill his wife, Nicole, and her
friend Ron Goldman. | | BODY PARTS OF FANS BROKEN WHEN DRUNKEN FANS FELL ON TOP OF THEM LAST YEAR | 1 (Fan Paul Robinson had his neck snapped on July 8 after a beer-soaked bully fell on him from the upper deck.) | 1 (Fan Ellen Massey broke her back on April 9 when an unidentified 300-pound man landed on top of her.) | | BEWARE OF FLYING OBJECTS |
Roger Clemens attacks Mets catcher Mike Piazza with Piazza’s broken bat during the 2000 World Series.
| On December 9, 1979, fan John Bowen is struck by a model airplane and killed. | | Papal visits |
3 (Paul VI, John Paul II, Benedict XVI)
| 1 (John Paul II) | | choke for the ages |
Up 3-0 in 2004 ALCS, lose four straight games to Red Sox.
| 2007 Mets blow seven-game division lead in last 17 games. | | LAST GAME |
Date unknown, but it’ll likely be an NHL game starring the Rangers.
| September 28, 2008 (vs. Marlins) |
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It’s too late for CC Sabathia. Now that he’s been traded to Milwaukee, he’ll spend his days lounging in a kiddie pool filled with Pabst and his nights nibbling on lean delicacies like bratwurst and kielbasa. Given that the city’s restaurateurs don’t serve anything else—except to Prince Fielder, the latest victim of vegetarian brainwashing propaganda—Sabathia should pass the 320-pound mark by Monday, and lapse into a diabetic coma before the month is out.
We pray for CC’s rotund frame, and the Durasteel-reinforced mattress asked to accommodate it every night. We also pray that none of the following fat asses join him in the cardiac and circulatory netherworld that is Wisconsin.
 Andruw Jones, Los Angeles Dodgers
Imagine you’re Dodgers GM Ned Colletti in the dugout on the first day of spring training discussing your savage lust for veteran players. Then in walks your prized free-agent signing, looking as if he’d spent the off-season at pudding boot camp. Your first impulse would probably be to see if he’s punking you with the ol’ pillow-under-the-shirt gag. Your second would be to start pricing girdles.
 Ronnie Belliard, Washington Nationals
He’s listed at 5’10”, 215 lbs. Riiiiiiiight. Watching Belliard try to execute a simple double-play pivot is like watching a cruise ship dock. The über-rotund Belliard—his body shape might best be described as “circular”—may be the only human being for whom the concept of a “center of gravity” is irrelevant.
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